


Freak

by Pengwyns



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Depressed Iwaizumi Hajime, Depression, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Overdosing, POV Iwaizumi Hajime, POV Matsukawa Issei, POV Oikawa Tooru, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, bullied iwaizumi, suidal iwaizumi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27763576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pengwyns/pseuds/Pengwyns
Summary: Iwaizumi is being bullied but he hasn’t told anyone and is becoming more depressed day by.TW bullying, depression, intrusive/suicidal thoughts, panic attacks
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so please be kind also I don’t know how often I’ll be able to update it sorry  
> Also Iwaizumi’s thoughts are in bold

“FREAK.”, “you’re such a loser.” “Do you even have any friends.” Is all Iwaizumi could hear in the middle of the blur of noise surrounding him. He quickly ran to the bathroom, before tears began to escape his eyes. **_You’re so pathetic, no one would even care if you didn’t exist_ , **he thought as cried in the toilet cubicle, shaking like a leaf and gasping for air. “why can’t I-I -f-fucking b-breath” exclaimed Iwaizumi his cheeks stained with tears and still shaking uncontrollably, he felt exhausted. He could hear the screeching of the bell, **_well shit_.**. **I can’t go to practice, I can’t let Oikawa see me like this, I can’t go, you’re so pathetic Iwaizumi you can’t even face your own best fucking friend.** “They’re just stupid thoughts, is it really that hard to ignore them” muttered Iwaizumi, **_can you do anything right, just die, no one would even care. Everyone hates you, Oikawa’s just pretending to be your friend. You should just save him the trouble and walk in front of a car; you’d be doing him and everyone a favour._**

Iwaizumi walked past the gym. _You can just do some press ups later._ Suddenly he heard laughter coming from the gym. **_See Iwaizumi your own fucking team hasn’t noticed you’re not there. They don’t need you. They were right you don’t have any friends._ **Iwaizumi ran home trying his best to hold in his tears, suddenly……. 

Screech a car skidded to a stop just before it hit Iwaizumi. **_That fucking car should have hit you, you should just die._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> following Iwaizumi through his day. not really sure what to say. sorry this is ooc.

Iwaizumi jolted awake, usually spiky hair stuck to his clammy skin. He didn't feel like getting out of bed. _**would anyone even miss me?**_ He stayed in bed for another minute before the thoughts came flowing back he couldn't rest. _**why are you so lazy? your pathetic. you can't even get out of bed. no wonder everyone hates you.**_ Iwaizumi slowly removed the soft comforting blanket and got his uniform on. _ **Hurry up your going to be late, do you want people to hate you even more then they already do?**_ after getting his uniform on Iwaizumi brushed his teeth then quickly left, he'd already missed practice. he laughed at himself, _**you call yourself the fucking ace and you haven't been to practice for a month, they've probably already replaced you.**_

he slowly walked to his class, getting the occasional stare or snicker and every so often someone shouting "freak" or "loner". the lesson was surprisingly uneventful just the usual comments and looks. he'd made his way through the morning without crying, which was usually very hard. Even though the morning went well he had a horrible gut feeling that something terrible was going to happen. After the lesson finished he made his way to the cafeteria which was filled with so many people who were all staring at Iwaizumi. _**why were they all staring?**_ someone brushed past Iwaizumi staring at his phone, Iwaizumi looked at the screen and saw a picture of his face on a baby's body with the caption what a cry baby. Iwaizumi could feel his chest tightening and his chest closing in as he ran out of there. he had to get out he didn't care were it was as long as it was as far from the cafeteria as possible. The tears were clouding his vision as he crashed into someone, _**who?**_ he wiped his eyes and blinked to clear his vision. _**oh shit it's Oikawa, I need to get out of here.**_ Iwaizumi continued running past Oikawa. "Iwa-chan wait" called Oikawa but it was too late Iwaizumi was already gone. 

Iwaizumi kept running until he was out of the school. _**i should just die, Oikawa hates me I ignored him if I was him I would hate me too.**_ when Iwaizumi finally stopped he collapsed on the ground and tried to control his jagged breathing as he weeps into the pavement. he needed to call Oikawa but he couldn't bring himself to do it so he waited a couple of minutes and picked up his phone and rang Oikawa's number

his phone rang for a few second then Oikawa picked up "Where are you?" Oikawa asked with audible anxiety in his voice. Iwaizumi tried to speak he tried to answer but all that came out was jagged breaths and tears. through the phone Oikawa could here his friends shaky breathing and the traffic behind him. _**Oh shit, please be safe Iwaizumi ,**_ thought Oikawa. Iwaizumi waited by the side of the road, _**just do it, die. you're so pathetic, you're going to hurt Oikawa, you can't do that to him. Oikawa hates me, i don't think he would care if I died. just do it it's just a couple of steps it's not that hard.**_ suddenly Iwaizumi was pulled out of his thoughts by a voice coming from his phone "I know what you're thinking Iwaizumi, please stay on the phone, please Iwa-Hajime stay on the phone. "I-i-i im sor- sorry" Iwaizumi said his voice broken with distress. Iwaizumi stepped closer to the road " Stay on the Fucking phone Hajime, please, please don't hang up, I'm coming now please don't leave me Iwaizumi p-please." Oikawa pleaded "i-i-im -s-s-s-sor-ry Too-Tooru." Iwaizumi's voice sounded so fragile and broken it scare Oikawa, he'd never heard or seen his best friend in this state before, he wanted to know what had left his friend so broken he didn't even call Oikawa bt one of his nicknames. he needed to help his Friend, he needed to get to him before it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought i'd leave you with a cliffhanger, so your welcome!


	3. Im sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im not very good at summaries, sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW suicide attempt  
> the POV in this chapter is alternating between Iwaizumi and Oikawa  
> i haven't edited this yet so sorry for any grammar errors  
> also felt like I'd leave you on a Cliffhanger again, because I'm kind like that

"I'm sorry" Iwaizumi's voice rang in his head. **_Please don't do anything stupid, please don't leave me Iwa-chan_**. Oikawa using the find my phone app, found Iwaizumi's location which was about ten minutes away from the school. he sprinted toward Iwaizumi...

* * *

Iwaizumi stepped into the road. **_die. Oikawa doesn't need you, no one needs you your just a waste of space._** Iwaizumi turned around to see Oikawa sprinting towards him, **_I'm sorry_** , **_please forgive me. he doesn't care Iwaizumi, no one cares_**. zoom a car was speeding towards him, Iwaizumi closed his eyes and waited, **_finally._** Tears flowed down Oikawa's face as he screamed, he sprinted to Iwaizumi who was laying in the road in a pool of blood. Oikawa called an ambulance, trying to keep his friend awake. "I'm s-s-sorry, I-i thou-thought you d-didn't need me, I-I-I'm j-just a-a waste o-of s-s-space." Iwaizumi whispered his voice weak and lifeless as waterfalls of tears spilled out of his eyes. "Save your strength the ambulance will be hear soon, you need to live Iwaizumi" whispered Oikawa through tears.

* * *

He needed his friend to live, ** _why would Iwaizumi think I didn’t need him, why would he think he was a waste of space. I need to help him, how long has he felt like this?, am i really that bad of a friend to not notice? Why did he think he had to hide this from me? I could have helped sooner. I need to know what made Iwaizumi feel like this, what made Iwaizumi try to take his own life?_** Oikawa wanted to scream he wanted to tell his friend how important he is. **_Iwaizumi is litrely fighting for his life, the ambulance needs to get here soon, what if he doesn’t make it, he’s my best friend he’s stubborn he won’t give up that easily, but he’s changed so much. I just want my Iwa-chan back, I want him to call me Shittykawa, I want Iwaizumi back!_**


	4. waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwaizumi is fighting for his life and all Oikawa can do is wait for the ambulance to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter so short

Siren’s rang in Iwaizumi’s ears as he drifted in out of consciousness. He could smell his own blood and could feel the beads of sweat dripping down his forehead. **_Just give up, he doesn’t need you. Just fucking give up he hates you._** Iwaizumi half lidded eyes stared into Oikawa’s.

Oikawa shook uncontrollably, he was watching his friend bleed to death and all he could do was wait for the ambulance to come.

“why is it so cold?” whispered his voice weak and raspy. “I’m really tired, I’m going to sleep now g’night”

“don’t you fucking dare go to sleep Iwaizumi, please, the ambulance is literally two minutes away. Just hold on until then, for me please.” Oikawa said his voice laced with worry, his best friend was fading away and all he could do was try to keep him awake until the ambulance came by talking to him.

Two minutes later the ambulance came and took Iwaizumi’s unconscious body away on a stretcher. Thankfully he still had a pulse, but his body was so weak, it terrified Oikawa. Oikawa texted his parent’s saying there had been an accident involving Iwaizumi, so he was going to the hospital. Oikawa’s parent’s quickly shot a text backing saying they were coming to the hospital as soon as they could, Iwaizumi was a second son to them and they couldn’t bear the thought of Iwaizumi being in pain let alone fighting for his life.

Iwaizumi was rushed to the hospital, when they arrived, he was sent straight away to be prepped for surgery. Iwaizumi had slowly gained consciousness in the ambulance and now he was almost fully conscious which was a good sign. Iwaizumi’s parents had been called although only his Mum had arrived his dad was in an important meeting and couldn’t come until later. Oikawa waited in the waiting room with his parents. Oikawa had so many questions, he needed to know why Iwaizumi did this, he knew Iwaizumi bottled up his emotions but he never though they would overwhelm him so much that he felt like he needed to walk into the fucking road. Oikawa wanted to help him, but he didn’t know how. He wished he could have noticed the signs sooner, but he didn’t and know Iwaizumi’s in fucking surgery fighting for his life.


	5. worthless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a flashback to when the bulling started

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Homophobia, Suicide references, Homophobic slurs, panic attack

“I’m sorry Iwa-chan i can’t come into school today.” Whined Oikawa through the phone

  
It was the first time this year Oikawa was sick. Iwaizumi was relieved, finally he wouldn’t have to make sure Oikawa didn’t overwork himself, he wouldn’t be swarmed by Oikawa’s fan girls, he would finally have a day of peace.  
Iwaizumi walked to school alone. He listened to music in his headphones as he walked, he could actually hear the music today, as he didn’t have to listen to Oikawa’s yapping.  
Morning practice was normal, apart from the absence of their captain. Iwaizumi could actually focus on helping his underclassmen, instead of focusing on Oikawa. Practice went by fairly quickly. After practice Iwaizumi changed quickly and made his way to class.  
As he walked down the corridor, he got stared at, Iwaizumi wasn’t really sure why. Suddenly one of Oikawa’s fan girls came up to him.

  
“why are you always so horrible to Oikawa?”

  
then another fan girl approached him.

  
“where’s Oikawa?” she asked

  
Iwaizumi ignored her and pushed passed her to get to his class, he couldn’t deal with this today.

  
“Why are you so moody, do you miss Oikawa?” she teased

“Why are you always around him, what are you gay?” she giggled

  
Iwaizumi walked to his class, people must have heard the comment because as he walked down the corridor homophobic slurs were being called at him and people stared at him.

* * *

When he finally got to the class, he got a flashback from when he was younger. In the flashback his dad screamed slurs at him and told him to die.

“Go kill yourself you F**!” he screamed at Iwaizumi.

* * *

Iwaizumi felt his chest tighten, his breathing became shallower, Iwaizumi swallowed his breath. His whole body shook. No one knew that Iwaizumi had attacks. The most they knew was that Iwaizumi’s dad had left. Iwaizumi hadn’t told anyone apart from his sister who was now in college. She was there when Iwaizumi’s dad screamed at him, she was there to comfort him when he cried in his room. She was the only one who could calm him down from his panic attack’s.  
Iwaizumi ran out of the class, he needed to get out of there, as he ran to the bathroom people whispered to each other about him and then stared at him. Iwaizumi hated it he wanted to hide he wanted to scream but that would draw to much attention to himself so he held it in until he got to the cubicle’s in the bathroom. He locked himself in. He got his phone out and searched through his contact’s for his sister’s number.  
Ring ring the phone rang for a few second’s before she picked up

  
“Hey bro, you ok?” she asked sounding genuinely concerned

  
“h-h-hi.” Iwaizumi responded the words came out barely a whisper, his chest felt heavy and his breaths were short and shallow.

  
“What happened?” the concern was growing in her voice as she heard her brothers shallow breathing through the phone. “ Hey, Iwaizumi breath with me.” She instructed

  
“in 1 2 3 4, out 1 2 3 4” she kept going for about 5 minutes until she knew Iwaizumi’s breathing had evened out.

  
“ Iwaizumi what are you doing in there, are phoning your boyfriend.” Mocked someone from behind the door.

  
“ Iwaizumi who is that?” his sister asked through the phone

  
“it’s no one.” Responded Iwaizumi anxiously “ I’m sorry sis, i have t-t-to g-go.” Then Iwaizumi hung up.

  
“You gonna come out, are you to scared” they teased

  
“f**’s are always coward’s.” Screamed the person behind the door

  
Iwaizumi heard some footsteps from behind the door walking away, and then the bell ringing, so he assumed they were going to class. So he unlocked the door and made his way out.

When he exited the cubicle, he was thrown into the wall, he tried to punch the person but he missed, his vision was foggy and his head was spinning. He finally managed to fight back and escape. It was finally lunch time. He approached his usual table were Makki and Mattsun sat waiting.

  
“hey man are you ok?” Matsukawa asked.

  
Iwaizumi didn’t realize that he was crying until a puddle started to form on the table.

“It’s ok, Iwaizumi you know you can talk to us.” Said Hanamaki

  
“I’m fine.” Mumbled Iwaizumi

“you’re obviously not, just tell us, we’ll understand.” responded Hanamaki

  
“No you won’t, you don’t fucking understand, did your dad scream fucking Homophobic slurs at you every night, did your dad tell you to kill yourself, did you almost jump off a fucking bridge, don’t tell me you’ll fucking understand!” screamed Iwaizumi before running out of the school.

  
“Iwaizumi, wait.” Shouted Matsukawa, before chasing after him.

  
_**Your so fucking worthless, you can’t even keep anything secret** _ _**, now your friends know. Are you proud of yourself Iwaizumi? You should have listened to your dad earlier, you should have died. You made your friends worry you made your sister worry about you, they’d be better off without you.** _


	6. It's okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a continuation of the flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention's suicide, intrusive/suicidal thoughts, self-deprecating thoughts. bold=text bold+italix=Iwaizumi's thoughts  
> also has the beginning of cavetown's song it's okay from everything is made of stars album which is an amazing song I would recommend listening to. also im not sure how often i'll be able to update this since schools starting soon but i'll try my best.

Iwaizumi ran tears in his eyes, he wasn’t even sure where he was going, he just had to get out of there. Matsukawa chased after him and finally caught up just outside a small park near the school.

He took a deep breath trying to regain his breath after chasing after Iwaizumi.

“Iwaizumi please talk to me, you can’t just keep running away.” Matsukawa finally said after about a minute of trying to regain his breath. Iwaizumi stayed silent.

“you can’t just make me do all that running, to just stay silent.” Joked Matsukawa

“you didn’t have to follow me I never asked you to just leave me alone.” mumbled Iwaizumi his voice quiet and hoarse.

"hey it's okay if you're not ok right now, you have plenty of time to figure it out." comforted Matsukawa

Iwaizumi stayed silent.

“I’m not going to leave you after what you said earlier, I can’t lose you Iwaizumi, I just can’t. I can see you’re hurting I want to help.” Matsukawa said his avoiding looking at Iwaizumi.

“my brother was bullied in middle school and he became depressed and anxious he stopped going to school because anxiety became so bad and he started locking himself in his room and not coming out. The bullying online and eventually he took his own life.” He continued tears pouring out of his eyes.

“Iwaizumi I don’t want to lose you too.” he cried Look what you’ve done, you made you friend cry.

_**If you’d just ran out in front of a car or listened to your dad. Shut up! You don’t deserve friends. He hates you! Everyone hates you! Just keep running, that’ll solve everything. You should stop being his friend, ignore him. Shut up! Don’t you get it Iwaizumi you’re a burden, he doesn’t want you. shut up!** _

Iwaizumi looked into Matsukawa’s eyes, does he actually care about me? Iwaizumi leant over and kissed Matsukawa. Iwaizumi wasn’t thinking. What had he just done? He was frozen, he didn’t even realize that he was still kissing him until Matsukawa pulled away in shock.

“Shit, Iwaizumi I don’t like you that way, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Matsukawa ran away. 

“wait, I’m sorry, please don’t leave, I need you, please can you just forget I did that.” Pleaded Iwaizumi. But it was to late Matsukawa was already gone. More tears escaped his eyes. He was alone again. he looked through his phone, there were several missed calls from his sister and Hanamaki. he quickly searched through his contacts until he found Matsukawa's

**I'm sorry.** he texted

He’d just fucked up his friendship and he wanted to die more than ever. Short ragged breaths escaped Iwaizumi’s throat.

_**your so pathetic. what the fuck where you doing pleading, how desperate are you? Y** _ _**ou’ve truly fucked up this time. You should just give up now. Just fucking give up you’ve messed up everything. Wow you finally got what you wanted. I hope you’re happy. And now your all alone in a park crying. What the fuck were you playing at, why did you have to kiss him. Do you even like him like that? Go kill yourself, or are you too much of a coward to even do that?** _


	7. downhill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is chapter 6 but in Matsukawa's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW graphic description of self harm, mention of suicide, blood, self deprecating thoughts

I chased after Iwaizumi I took a while, but I finally caught up with him outside a small park near the school. I took I deep breath trying to regain my breath. I walked over to Iwaizumi who was sitting on top of a small hill his knees drawn to his chest and tears flowing out of his eyes.

_**I need to help him**_.

“Iwaizumi please talk to me you can’t just keep running away.” I finally said after a few minutes of silence.

Iwaizumi said nothing.

_**Maybe if I lighten the mood, he’ll talk to me. I guess I could give it a try**_.

“you can’t just make me do all that running, to just stay silent.” I joked

_**Why is he still silent did I do something wrong, maybe it’s not the time for joking around now?** _

“you didn’t have to follow me I never asked you to just leave me alone.” mumbled Iwaizumi his voice quiet and hoarse.

_**Yeah, the joke probably wasn't the best idea, considering the situation.** _

“hey, it’s okay if you’re not okay right now, you have plenty of time to figure it out.” I comforted

_**Believe me I know how it feels not to be okay. He just needs someone to talk to.** _

“I’m not going to leave you after what you said earlier, I can’t lose you Iwaizumi, I just can’t. I can see you’re hurting I want to help.” I said his avoiding looking at Iwaizumi.

_**I need to help him, I can’t lose him too, I just can’t. He’s my friend, I can’t lose him** **!**_ I

didn’t even realize I was crying until I felt something wet on my cheek. _ **Maybe if I tell him about my brother he’ll talk. I haven’t told anyone about him, not even Makki, and I tell him everything** **. Maybe it’s time to tell someone**_.

“my brother was bullied in middle school and he became depressed and anxious he stopped going to school because anxiety became so bad and he started locking himself in his room and not coming out. The bullying online and eventually he took his own life.” He continued tears pouring out of his eyes.” as I spoke tears gushed out of my eyes.

_**Maybe I wasn’t ready to tell him. He was so young. And it was all my fault, I could have stopped it but I didn’t. I’m worthless. Even my parents said it was my fault. I’ve shared too much now, now Iwaizumi probably hates me too. I need to pull myself together, Iwaizumi needs me. Just push all your feelings down, no one needs to know.** _

“Iwaizumi I don’t want to lose you too.” he cried

_**Why did you say that, know you just sound desperate! He hates you, he thinks you’re a pathetic wimp. Your worthless, and selfish, you can’t even comfort a friend without making it about yourself. Don’t let your emotions show. Stop crying you coward!** _

Iwaizumi looked into my eyes, Iwaizumi leant over and kissed me.

_**Wait what! Did he just kiss me? I can’t do this to him.** _

Iwaizumi was frozen,

_**Oh fuck, what am I meant to do? I don’t like him that way. I need to stop this before I lead him on. I don’t want to mess up our friendship.** _

I pulled away in shock.

“Shit, Iwaizumi I don’t like you that way, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I should leave.” I spoke quickly and then I ran.

_**Where the fuck are you going, you’re friend needs your help, he’s hurting and now your running away from him.** _

“wait, I’m sorry, please don’t leave, I need you, please can you just forget I did that.” Pleaded Iwaizumi.

_**I’m sorry.** _

I ran I just kept running until I got to my house.

I unlocked the door hastily and sprinted up to my bedroom. I locked myself in.

I opened my draw and searched through it for my sharpest blade.

I cut my thigh underneath a row of neat scars.

_**It’s been a while since I’ve done this. Thank god my parents aren’t home. Not that they’d care.** _

I watched as the warm blood ran down my leg. I felt a throbbing pain in my thigh.

_**You deserve the pain.** _

I need to wash the blood off before it stained my carpet, so I got in the shower and watched as the blood flowed down the drain. The cut had stopped bleeding after a few minutes so grabbed the towel which was next to the shower and dried myself off before checking my phone.

There was one text from Iwaizumi which said **I’m sorry**

_**Why was he sorry I’m the one that fucked up. I’m the one who ran and made it awkward. What the fuck am I meant to say. You’re so pathetic, why did you have to run away you coward!** _

Tears escaped my eyes as I collapsed on to the bathroom floor.

_**You killed your brother, now you’re going to kill Iwaizumi too**_.

“Shut up!” I screamed “just fucking shut up I know I killed him, I know….”

Tears rushed out of my eyes as I sat on the bathroom floor screaming.


	8. Help me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is still part of the flashback it's just the next day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW child abuse, blood, self depreciating thoughts, homophobia, homophobic slur, violence, alcohol abuse/alcoholic (suggested)

The next day Iwaizumi sat alone.

_**Have they even noticed I’m not there?** _

His usual table with Makki, Matsun and Oikawa was filled with giggling and the usual jokes.

_**I should just disappear.** _

_**No one would even notice if I went home now.** _

So that’s what Iwaizumi decided to do. He picked up his bag and left, he looked up to see Matsun staring at him.

Iwaizumi was about to go up to him when he remembered what had happened yesterday.

_**He probably still hates me. I shouldn’t bother.** _

Iwaizumi turned around and walked out of the school and made his way home. As he walked home tears slowly made the way down his cheeks.

**Your so pathetic. Everyone hates you. Stop crying, your so pathetic. You mess everything up and know you’ve hurt everyone.**

When Iwaizumi finally got home, he was surprised to see the door open. His mum was in work and his sister was in college. His dad was meant to be in work as well.

“hello, who’s here?” Iwaizumi called from by the door.

“get out you F** you don’t belong here.” His father screamed from the kitchen.

Iwaizumi cautiously approached the kitchen. He immediately noticed the beer bottles that filled the room.

“this is my fucking house too.” Iwaizumi retorted

“I said get out!!!” Iwaizumi’s dad screamed

“I’m not leaving I live here” sobbed Iwaizumi

“what are you a cry baby as well now.” shouted Iwaizumi’s dad “I thought i raised you better than that!” Iwaizumi’s dad slurred.

He was obviously drunk and it terrified Iwaizumi.

“you’re not my son, I don’t ever want to see you again!” he shouted

That’s when it happened. It felt like the world was moving in slow motion. One minute his dad was screaming the next his fist lifted and contacted Iwaizumi’s face, Iwaizumi fell backwards from the force of it. Iwaizumi felt the blood drip down his forehead. He stumbled as he got up then he ran, he needed to get as far away as possible. He ran and just kept running until he reached a park. He approached the swings sat down carefully his head was throbbing and his vision spinning. His breathing was uneven and shallow, and his hands shook uncontrollably as he searched for his sisters contact. Iwaizumi swallowed attempting to control the nausea which was lurking in his stomach. His phone rang for a few seconds before he sister picked up.

“hey sis.” Iwaizumi spoke weakly

“what happene…” she began before she was interrupted by Iwaizumi.

“can I stay with you for a bit?” He paused “please…” he asked his voice was raw with emotion and quiet.

“Hajime…” she began “It’s fine your probably busy with work and things its fine I’ll just stay at Oikawa’s, I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“Hajime let me finish” she paused “wait why do you need somewhere to stay?” she questioned

“it’s nothing just dad kind of kicked me out of the house.” Iwaizumi mumbled

“he what?!” she screamed 

“Iwaizumi you can stay with me as long as you don’t mind getting the bus to school everyday and please don’t bother my roommate.” 

“okay.” Iwaizumi replied his voice still weak, but his breathing had evened out. “also, um sis, um do you have some clothes I could borrow until I um get some new ones, cause I don’t really want to go back to the house.”

“sure, we could go shopping this weekend if you want.” She suggested

“yeah, that would be nice.” Replied Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi made his way to the bus stop. His headache was becoming more and more painful by the second and the nausea hadn’t gone away. After about five minutes the bus arrived, the bus ride wasn’t very long and he arrived at his sisters college about 15 minutes later.

Iwaizumi approached his sisters dorm. he paused for a second taking a deep breath before knocking on the door.

his sister opened the door and he walked in.

|"shit, Hajime, did he do this to you?" she asked as she looked at the large cut on Iwaizumi's forehead.

"S'nothing." mumbled Iwaizumi

"Hajime, this is serious we should go to the hospital."

"how do you feel? she asked the concern was growing in her voice.

"I'm fine." he replied not wanting to worry her

"really?" she pressed

"fine,I feel nauseous and i have a headache and i'm dizzy, it's fine though,can we please not go to the hospital." tears spilled from his eyes as he spoke

"okay, we won't go unless your symptoms get any worse, I just wished you'd told me sooner."

"I'm sorry." Iwaizumi whispered

his sister observed him for the rest of the night and cleaned the cut on his forehead, the symptoms died down after a while and she let him sleep.

Not that he could with all his thoughts rushing through his head and preventing him from sleeping.

_**your such a burden, your a disapointment, you've wasted your sisters time and made her worry. your so pathetic!** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter, kudos and comments are appreciated   
> thanks for reading.


	9. school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we are back to the present and iwaizumi finally goes back to school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is really intense sorry I haven't updated in a while I've been concentrating on my other fic but I'm back now.  
> TW panic attack, self harm, blood, disassociation? , suicide mention, child abuse mention.

Iwaizumi finally woke up his surgery was long but successful however he would still need a while to recover.

It was a few weeks after Iwaizumi was in the hospital that he went back to school. He was on crutches, so it was hard for him too walk so his mum gave him a lift. Oikawa had morning practice so Iwaizumi walked in by himself and apparently there where rumours about him.

**They’re all staring at you.**

**They know.**

As Iwaizumi walked down the corridors, he heard people whispering about him, “the freak should have died.”

“he’s so weird he’s probably gay.”

“I heard he tried to kill himself.”

“I heard his dad beats him, and he pushed him down the stairs.”

Iwaizumi’s breath became shallower at the mention of his dad. He couldn’t breathe he felt like he was going to die. His whole body shook, his heart was trying to break out of his chest, his vision was blurry from the tears, he just wanted to collapse.

“-waizumi, are you ok? Im pretty sure you zoned out for a few minutes.” Matsukawa asked to Iwaizumi his voice sounded distant and distorted.

“are you sure you should be back?” Hanamaki asked.

“ ’m fine.” Mumbled Iwaizumi his voice sounded tinny and distant.

**Is that what my voice sounds like?**

**Do they hate me?**

**They’re just here to pity you, no one would ever actually want to be friends with you.**

**Who would want to be friends with a ‘freak’ like me?**

**They don’t want to be my friend, they hate me, I don’t blame them, I’m a horrible person, even my own fucking dad hates me.**

Iwaizumi just about managed to get through the morning despite having a panic attack, he was fine until lunch came.

Iwaizumi sat with Matsukawa and Hanamaki, since he didn’t want to sit alone because honestly he was scared of what people would say and do to him.

**Your pathetic.**

**You’re a freak.**

**You should have died.**

**That car should have killed you.**

“shut up!” Iwaizumi screamed his thoughts were too much he couldn’t take it anymore.

Hanamaki tried to calm him but Iwaizumi began to scratch at his skin he scratched until it bled his fingernails where covered in blood and he just cried, he couldn’t take it anymore. Every little noise annoyed him he could hear people chewing, breathing and he could hear nails tapping against the table it was all too loud.

“I hate it I fucking hate it!” Iwaizumi cried. “go on just fucking laugh at me, beat me up, do whatever you fucking want I don’t care, I don’t care.”

Iwaizumi collapsed to the ground and Hanamaki and Matsukawa held him as he cried.

“I don’t want to be alive.” Mumbled Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi cried and tried to scratch himself but Hanamaki stopped him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated   
> I made Iwaizumi suffer so much I'm sorry.  
> thanks for reading:)


	10. burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm really bad at summaries, sorry.  
> um i guess just matsukawa and Hanamaki helping Iwaizumi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW vomit, graphic description of vomiting, self depreciating thoughts, suicidal thoughts.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki took Iwaizumi to the nurse’s office, Hanamaki explained what had happened and asked if he could take Iwaizumi home since Iwaizumi’s mum was at work, the nurse agreed and let both of them take Iwaizumi home, they left Iwaizumi in the nurse's office whilst going to ask the coach if they could skip practice today they didn’t go into detail they told him that Iwaizumi was unwell so they had to take him home. The coach agreed that they could skip practice for today and tomorrow if Iwaizumi was still unwell. Meanwhile in the nurse’s office the nurse cleaned the scratches on Iwaizumi’s arms. Iwaizumi didn’t say anything, he couldn’t the anxiety coursing through his veins was preventing him from forming words, not that he had anything to say, the tears had stopped but Iwaizumi’s whole body was trembling, and the growing nausea was making itself more apparent by the second. Suddenly Iwaizumi could feel a stream of warm liquid travelling up his throat, Iwaizumi rushed to the nearest toilet and emptied the contents of his stomach well his breakfast, since he didn’t have lunch. The limited amount of food quickly disappeared down the toilet and Iwaizumi started coughing up bile it was not a pleasant experience, the acid burned his throat, and his quivering body grew weaker.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa returned the nurse’s office only to find Iwaizumi hunched over the toiled sweating and shaking.

“hey, do you think your going to throw up again?” asked Matsukawa.

Iwaizumi shook his head slightly his head slouching he didn’t have the energy to lift it up or do anything.

“can you get up?” asked Hanamaki.

Iwaizumi shook his head. Hanamaki looked at Matsukawa and Matsukawa looked at Iwaizumi with a worried expression. Matsukawa bent down to lift Iwaizumi up and Hanamaki went to collect Iwaizumi’s bag.

“Come on let’s get you home.” said Matsukawa. Matsukawa pulled Iwaizumi into a hug. Hanamaki quickly returned and they started walking back to Iwaizumi’s house.

Iwaizumi’s home wasn’t far from the school, so they quickly arrived at his house. Matsukawa guided Iwaizumi too his room. Iwaizumi suddenly ran to the bathroom a sudden wave of nausea had overtaken his body. He retched into the toiled only bile came out.

**_I’m so pathetic._ **

**_I can’t even look after myself._ **

**_I’m weak._ **

**_They hate me._ **

**_I’m a burden._ **

**_they'd be better off without me._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter isn't very good, sorry. sorry this chapter is so short.  
> thanks for reading, comments and kudos are appreciated.   
> About the not being able to speak part I kind of projected onto Iwaizumi there, I get that a lot and it's stressful.


	11. make it stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwaizumi dissociates, but luckily Hanamaki and Matsukawa are there to coax him back to reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW dissociation. i'm sorry if this isn't accurate I haven't actually dissociated before but i did a lot of research, this chapter might be confusing it's written kind of weirdly but lt's just how Iwaizumi hears it.

**They’d be better off without me.**

“Iwaizumi are you okay in there.” asked Matsukawa.

“y-yeah i-im fine.” Stuttered Iwaizumi.

“Iwaizumi let me in please.” said Matsukawa.

After a few second the door unlocked, but something wasn’t right it was like Iwaizumi wasn’t really there he just stared blankly at Matsukawa.

Iwaizumi looked at Matsukawa, but he looked distorted and his voice sounded distant, the world around him was foggy and it didn’t feel real.

**Was it real?**

**What’s happening?**

**Help me!**

**I just want it to stop.**

**Just stop.**

**I don’t like it.**

**i don't like it.**

**make it stop.**

“-----waizu----iwai-----a—y---you------o---k---a-------n-o—d-----I ---f----y-you-c—can—h-h-hear---e.” said Matsukawa.

Iwaizumi stayed still, blankly staring at Matsukawa.

“------H----h---ha---han-----mak-i.” called Matsukawa.

A couple minutes later Hanamaki appeared, the first thing he dim the light’s then he slowly approached him and guided him to the bedroom then he lowered his voice and asked “----Iwa—aizumi, --can---y—you---h—ear –me?

Iwaizumi nodded slowly.

“---i---s –it –o—okay—f-for –me—t—to –tou—touch---y—y—you? Hanamaki asked calmly.

Iwaizumi nodded.

Hanamaki shifted closer to him and gently rocked him to coax him back to reality.

About 10 minutes later Iwaizumi was back to reality.

“w-what happened?” asked Iwaizumi.

“you disassociated.”

“h-how do you know?” asked Iwaizumi, confusion plastered on his face.

“it used to happen to my little sister.” replied Hanamaki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading. I almost discontinued this fic I was feeling kind of low so I didn't have the motivation to get up half the time let alone write so sorry. comments and kudos are appreciated. sorry for any mistakes.


	12. don't give up please.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He plastered a fake smile on his face and laughed along to the jokes, but little did they know of the clawing sadness behind his persona. He was back friends with Oikawa, but he acted as if they were always friends as if they didn’t have a massive fight. He was still being bullied online but at school had stopped so it was easier to hide. He didn’t want it to affect him, but it did,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW graphic description of suicide attempt, blood, depression, suicide  
> please do not read if this is triggering.  
> if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts please tell a family member o someone you you trust and there are also suicide hotlines.

The next few months Iwaizumi seemed happy. As if nothing had happened as if he didn’t have a full breakdown at school. He was tired of the rumours, so he didn’t want to stand out. So, he put on a mask. He looked happy but he wasn’t. he was just numb. He plastered a fake smile on his face and laughed along to the jokes, but little did they know of the clawing sadness behind his persona. He was back friends with Oikawa, but he acted as if they were always friends as if they didn’t have a massive fight. He was still being bullied online but at school had stopped so it was easier to hide. He didn’t want it to affect him, but it did, the comments were becoming more personal. He was still dissociating usually at home, which was okay since his mum always worked late, and his sister was at collage. On the rare occasion it happened at school he disguised it as tiredness.

Most days he struggled to get through the day, holding up a mask constantly was tiring, and also his depression was getting worse which left him drained. He was ready to give up, he didn’t have the energy to live, he was tired, him being around was too expensive meaning his mum had to work later,

**She’d be better without me.**

**I’m a burden.**

**I should just make life easier for her by just leaving.**

He walked downstairs into the kitchen grabbing the sharpest knife before taking it upstairs to the bathroom. He sliced the knife across his wrists and watched as blood filled the sink.

**It will be better for her.**

**I’m a burden.**

**They’re better off without me.**

The doorbell rang, seconds later he could hear Matsukawa’s voice calling. Iwaizumi was too weak to answer. Iwaizumi texted him saying he could come in.

“Iwaizumi are you okay?”

Iwaizumi couldn’t answer.

As Matsukawa walked up the stairs Iwaizumi’s heart pounded.

“iwaizumi let me in.”

Matsukawa walked up to the bathroom door.

“i-i-t’s o-open-n.” replied Iwaizumi weakly he was losing consciousness.

Matsukawa opened the door only to see Iwaizumi leaning on the sink surrounded by blood.

“shit, Iwaizumi.”

“i-i-m -so-rry.” Said Iwaizumi through tears.

Matsukawa walked over to the weeping boy and held him.

“I thought it would be better for everyone, this way.”

“never ever say that Hajime, we love you, okay, we fucking love you okay.”

Iwaizumi stayed silent he was too weak to speak, he just cried as he bled out into the sink.

“hey it’s okay Hajime, you’re okay.”

Iwaizumi collapsed into Matsukawa’s arms.

“you’re okay.” Repeated Matsukawa.

Matsukawa checked his pulse, it was very weak, too weak.

“you’re okay.” Whispered Matsukawa through tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading.  
> I'm sorry.  
> I cried a lot writing this.  
> comments and kudos are appreciated.  
> sorry for any mistakes.


End file.
